Crown Prince Disappears!

In other news, where has my upstart heir gone?!! Disappeared, wot?

Couldn't take the heat? Eloped with a villager? Having a roll in the easter basket grass with a hot courtesan?

I have seen nothing in the tabloids so I am at a loss.

Ubermilf, did you OFF him?!

He was good for entertainment value, if nothing else.

Kingly Cake

I need one of these. What a brilliant idea!!!

I sometimes find myself yearning for subjects to lick my feet as they would a gooey beater after mixing.

But that may have to do with something I ate last night, and as such would be merely a hallucination.

Brooked Influence

Brooke has been gallivanting about the web participating in various dubious enterprises. She is a bad influence, as is evidenced by my following her lead willy-nilly. See here:

Ten Top Trivia Tips about The King of Cake!

1. 68 percent of all UFO sightings are by The King of Cake!
2. The first toy product ever advertised on television was Mr The King of Cake Head.
3. The King of Cake is the world's tallest woman.
4. The air around The King of Cake is superheated to about five times the temperature of the sun.
5. The King of Cakeocracy is government by The King of Cake.
6. Scientists have discovered that The King of Cake can smell the presence of autism in children.
7. The King of Cake can jump up to sixteen times his own height!
8. The liquid inside The King of Cake can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
9. The King of Cakeicide is the killing of The King of Cake.
10. Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas have 14, and The King of Cake has 7.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Now, 68 percent of all UFO sightings are by Brooke also. Does this mean we are really the same person?! I find this confusing and bewildering. Also, I am now in the market for a Mr The King of Cake Head.

Romping Blackout

I seem to have suffered a blackout brought on by excessively jubilant romping. Whooof!

I came to with my head in a frosting bowl and doilies in my pants. Also, I had spatulas strapped to my feet.

It must have been fun.

What freaks me out is that my handtowel smells distinctly of bananas.

Romping of the Beloved Monarch

Brooke made a request. It has been granted, with great aplomb I might add.

Terrifying Baking Machine!!!

Monstrous. I am terrified.

What is this fiendish contraption, you ask? It is the Koenig Artisan SFR available through Rollequip. To quote the BakeryNet newsletter, "You can run round, square, rectangular and long-rolled artisan products at 65 percent to 75 percent hydration with multiple hours of fermentation on this compact, modular machine. Eliminate the use of oil by running with flour. Reduce your labor costs while increasing the variety you can offer customers."

ROBOTS!!! Ack. Please note the flashing red light mounted on top of the machine so you can be clearly warned to STAY AWAY FROM IT!!!

The Rollequip website even has a videoclip available. In it, you see footage that is suspiciously pornographic, of various machine parts pushing and poking at pale doughy bits. Then it magically turns a bunch of square-cut little buns into perfectly round ones. The whole affair is quite disturbing. You can also see reflections of men in white coats wandering around when they get to the bits of video where they're in front of one of the glass monitoring windows on the machine.

The photo of the machine on the webpate is even more disturbing and robot-like than the one from BakeryNet (when you get to the site, click on the "ARTISAN" tab on the menu).

Punched Out By A Muffin

If this is the kind of thing you find entertaining, you can go online and play this video game. It's called Breakfast Brawl. There it is promised that you will be assaulted by various food items, including but not limited to a mutant cereal bowl, a sandwich and a cake.


Please note the muffin featured prominently in the graphic shown.

Is the muffin the rude cousin of the cupcake? Curious minds wonder.

Please note the pathetic defeat of the bowl of cereal. And the way the muffin looks very scared. Screen shots from when I was playing. Yes. Nothing like a brawl for breakfast!!!

A Warning Not To Bake Five Cakes

This young man had his brain permanently warped by his mother baking him five cakes on one of his birthdays. Or so he claims.

I'm not sure whether I feel sympathy, pity, or the distinct need to whop him on the head with my frosting spatula.

Sugar Crash

As a very good friend said, "Yes, the rush of the cake war....just like cake's sugary goodness, it just leaves you crashed out in a stupor wishing for more."

Meme, and How

Brooke tagged all the orgyites.

In turn, it only seems fair to tag all those who engaged in The Great Cake War. However, it is entirely likely that most if not all of these fine folks were also orgyites. So sort it out for yourselves!!!

[A is for age:]
A is for ageless. I am the Eternal King of Cake, people!!!

[B is for booze of choice]
Hmm. Whatever goes well with cake. Possibly some sort of eggnog concoction. When I get tipsy my spatula has a field day.

[C is for career]
Duh, I'm the King. OF CAKE!!!! (please note CAKE begins with C. Thank you.)

[D is for your dog's name:]
Calzone. No, wait, he's Mr. Freeman's dog. Woof.

[E is for essential items you use everyday:]
Frosting. Spatula. Oven. Apron. Crown. Sceptre. Lots of SUGGGGGAR. (witness sugar twitch evident in typing)

[F is for favorite song(s) at the moment:]
They Might Be Giants -- How Much Cake Can You Eat.
e.g.: The shining spoons of this town/All point in your direction
Can you keep a secret?/ We can trust you, we can throw you
Are you sitting on your feet? /How much cake can you eat?
Makes perfect sense to me.

[G is for favorite games:]
Anything including a big spinning wheel of chance and straps. Possibly also throwing knives.

[H is for hometown:]
Portland, Maine. There is a lot of weird stuff here.

[I is for instruments you play:]
The beater. That's pretty much it.

[J is for jam or jelly you like:]
Mostly raspberry.

[K is for kids?]
*hurck!* (noise of heart attack)

[L is for last kiss?:]
I don't kiss and tell. But I usually reserve them for something sweet.

[M is for most admired trait:]
Frosting application skills. To pretty much anything.

[N is for name of your crush:]
Betty Crocker. What a hottie.

[O is for overnight hospital stays:]
What, number of? Reasons? You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

[P is for phobias:]
A world without frosting.

[Q is for quotes you like:]
A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
--Benjamin Franklin

[R is for biggest regret:]
Not enough frosting applied. Not enough cake baked.

[S is for sweets of your choice:]
Cake! (I second Brooke on this one!!!)

[T is for time you wake up:]
Too early. Every time.

[U is for underwear:]
Yes. I also wear an apron.

[V is for vegetables you love:]
Possibly in between helpings of cake. Variety is the spice, you know...

[W is for worst habit:]
Pretty much all of them.

[X is for x-rays you've had:]
For fun? or are you more interested in the unavoidable ones?

[Y is for yummy food you make:]
Lots of cake. LOTS.

[Z is for zodiac sign:]
Good golly. Aries. With horns.

King Love and Cupcakes

I have never denied my love of cupcakes. Someone decided they knew how I felt about those moist little cakey niblets, though, and a war erupted.

As a token of esteem, from my mixing bowl to yours, comes this obvious evidence of kingly love of glistening, sugary, insane-looking cupcakes.

All this nonsense about "EQUAL TIME FOR CUPCAKES!!!" -- I should rightly demand of you, Queen of Cupcakes, the same for CAKE.

Sincerely,
The Regent of Frosting and Frippery

Songs of Cake

To bolster the morale of my empire, I would like to present to you and yours these almost-thirty-in-number SONGS ABOUT CAKE.

• "If I Knew You Were Coming I'd've Baked a Cake" (I prefer the version by Art Mooney and Betty Harris over the Eileen Barton version)

• "Candy and Cake" by Arthur Godfrey and the Mariners (again, this version is my favorite over the Evelyn Knight version)

• "Cakewalking Babies" by Bill Brunskill's Jazzmen

• "Ice Cream and Cake" by the Buckwheat Boyz

• "Cheesecake Truck" by King Missile

• "Cheesecake" by Louis Armstrong (which rivals "Salt Peanuts")

• "MacArthur Park" by Richard Harris

• "Cups and Cakes" by Spinal Tap

• "How Much Cake Can You Eat" by They Might Be Giants

• "I Live in a Cake" by NOFX

• "Cuppy Cake Song" by Strawberry Shortcake

• "Birthday Cake" by Cibo Matto

• "Sweet Cuppin' Cakes" by Strongbad and the folks at homestarrunner.com

• "Crunchy Munchy Honeycakes" by The Wiggles

• "Cuts with the Cake Knife" by Strawberry Switchblade

• "Cakewalk" by Scott Joplin

• "Cake Is Love" by Puffy Amiyumi

• "I'm Going to Make a Cake" by Phillip Glass

• "A-Soalin'" by Peter Paul and Mary

• "Go Robot, It's Your Birthday" MC Chris

• "Cindy's Birthday" by Johnny Crawford

• "Fruit Cakes" by Jimmy Buffet

• "Cheesecake" by the Devil Dogs

• "Cupcakes" by Game Face

• "Cheesecake" by the Camaros

• "Strawberry Cake" by Johnny Cash

• "Take a Look at Those Cakes!" by James Brown

If you need any of these lovely songs, I can oblige in most cases. Just drop me a line at bigcheeseATbackawayfromthecake.com (figure out my anti-spam email, very easy).

Always glad to spread the cake word.

Ubermilf, I would like to dedicate "If I Knew You Were Comin' I'd've Baked A Cake" to you especially, you and your heathen cupcakes.

Signed,
The King (what else?!)

Cupcake Land Mines

Who knew?

"He holds up a plastic replica of a land mine, about the size and shape of a cupcake."

Using Cupcakes As A Weapon

Ubermilf maintains that cupcakes are so nice and cute and yummy that no one will use them as a weapon, unlike cake (and also, let me point out to Nick, even more frequently PIE!!!).

I retorted (mmm... tarts) that cupcakes had, indeed, been used as weapons. Despite their delicious and impeccable nature.

Exhibit A:
Waldow as victim.

Apparently there is a show called "Northwest Morose -- American Peephole." In this particular episode, the cupcake weaponry focuses on a certain Waldow. To quote:
Waldow managed to get injured in lots of ways on this one. Most famous, of course, is the scene where Rosser Tin falls out of the sky and gets hit with a half-dozen red, white and blue cupcakes. Warren was the cupcake-tosser, and well, Waldow took one right in the balls... Ouch.

Exhibit B:
A variety of Cupcake Armageddons. With this exhibit, I think the defense can safely rest.

Cupcake Armageddon -- They Came From Above: Cupcakes rain fiery green death on innocent bystanders.
Cupcake Armageddon -- Nukiecakes: Cupcakes become embroiled in nuclear lauch.
Cupcake Armageddon -- Warriors variant: Cupcakes ready to rumble. They are PISSED. Someone is going to get a meat tenderizer in the face. Just like in The Annihilators. I can just tell.
Cupcake Armageddon -- What the Newspaper Never Mentions: One in the hand, one in the bush. Or something. The usual political crap. Right, only now it has CUPCAKES!!! So it is much better. More palatable, at least. Something you can swallow.
Cupcake Armageddon -- Painful Pelting Type: Watch out for falling ... AAGGHHH!!!

So there you have it. Ubermilf, you must admit there is quite a bit of fodder here for any cupcake assailants. And what is the National Cupcake Liberation Army using for weapons, hmm???

Proper Cake War?

Please witness the deluded Master David "Hutch" Soul's attempts at cake war.

He is not very good at this.

Take heed, and learn from his bad example.

That, and the fact that the man wears turkeys on his feet for fun are good signs that you should stay well away from him, whether he is wielding a cake or not.

In Defense of Cake

Well, Ubermilf has declared war. She's put up a bunch of posts on her site, including incriminating photographs, making insinuations that cupcakes kick the butt of cake. HA!!!

Here are some interesting takes on cake online:

My homies at Cake Lovers United. Cake love.

Another group, For the Love of Cake. Need I say more. Oh wait, there's a quote from Star, the Group Leader: "Cake is the best ever. If you love cake you should join. You can post recipies for cake, frosting, filing, whatever! WE ALL NEED CAKE!!" There.

On the ENEMIES side we have:

Cake Is Evil. These people are disorganized and unmotivated. They say "I blame the cake" and promptly give up. Is that any way to behave? Shameful.

Then there is the blatant heresy of I Am A Pie Person. To quote: "Lets face it folks, Cake sucks... unless its with Ice Cream, and who has an extra 3 bucks to pay for that? I don't. If you like Pie more than Cake, then this is the group you have been destined to be in." Cake sucks?!! What planet are they from?!!!! But at least they are a bit active in their pursuit of pieness.

And Ubermilf should join these guys posthaste:
The National Cupcake Liberation Army. They have a very rousing manifesto: "All too long Cupcakes have been oppressed. Made to live a life of perversion, subversion, and mirtersion. We, The National Cupcake Liberation Army, seek equality for the Cupcakes, and freedom for Cupcakes from the tyranny of the Unisted States of Frosting (USF). Our aims are thrice. Firstly, overthrow the inefficient and corrupt bureaucracy of the USF that uses Cupcakes as a cheap form of unskilled menial labor. Secondly, the right to equality and freedom for all Cupcakes, regardless of sprinkle color. Finally, to organize an independent Cupcake nation in southeastern Sakskatchewan, in an area known as Cupcaketopia. We are non-aggressive in our methods for achieving our goals. Rather, we use civil disobediance, picket lines, and lathered babboons as our chief method of achievement. Come my Brothers! Come my Sisters! Come my Cupcake allies! Together we shall find FREEDOM!"

Please note they are attempting to form Cupcaketopia in Saskatchewan. Well, I guess that will work out for refrigeration purposes, at the very least. However, their vim and vigor seems to be foundering. Someone needs to take over and lead these poor souls. I nominate Ubermilf. I think she should have no problem whipping and beating them into shape.

More as the war progresses.

Ubermilfclass Warfare

A certain cupcake peddler has erupted in a fury with intent to batter yours truly. All I did was speculate that she might be a little weird and notice that she was antagonizing me. Phh!! And look at what she's done!

Actually I think the little red nose is rather cute.


Please note that she has titled the file "killkingofcake.jpg".

I revise my prior sentiments. No longer considered an attractive weirdo, she is now on the bandwagon with the vicious frosting-slingers I am oft forced to do battle with. But I still think she's cute.

I will withdraw now and try to figure out what the best baking goods are for ballistics.

Signed,
The King of Cake
and don't you forget it.

New Year's Cake Resolutions

The King of Cake has posted a poll to record the New Year's Resolutions of his subjects. You should check it out. I think you will be pleased at the options available.

If you're not, feel free to beef about it.

Happy New Year dudes,
Signed,
The KING
(and don't you forget it. I certainly haven't.)