The King of Cake in your face

Smush your face into my cake, or I'll smush my cake into your face. That's the long and the short of it. Who wants frosting?

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Not Cake, But Creepy


I thought I'd share this. Just to freak you out.


Do you think he has any cake hidden under that beard??? Just wondering.

Christmas, Eaten.

I ate it. Christmas, I mean. In the form of:

Cookies
Cake (of course)
Dainties
Whillywhiskers
Nobs
Any frosting left lying around
Various nibbly bits

It was quite delicious. I, however, now am forced to avert my eyes lest any cake appear, as I will be forced to expunge my innards if I catch another whiff of vanilla or buttercream.

An unfortunate side effect of the season, sure to be remedied by New Year's Eve when I start slugging that fizzy stuff down, and trade my crown for the most embarrassing party hat I can find.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Dire Christmas Cake


Okay. The first thing wrong with these people is that they ask:

"Would you like to make a Christmas Cake that looks like the one shown?"

THEN they even tell you how to do it.

EEEEEYUCK!!!!

Barf on a log.

Staying away from those woods,
The King (now with Santa hat)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Beat Until Stiff


I am profoundly intrigued by the title of this murder mystery book.

I found it when I looked up "pastry bag antics" on Google.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Cake to poke your eye out



This one will do it.

(Source)


Break out the eye patches!!! I'm going in!!!!!

Elf cake

But where to put the booties when you are done with the elf??

Serial Killers Want Cake

Well, on doing a little research, I find that serial killers definitely like cake, whether or not this means they bake it often themselves or not, I am not sure, but they do like to eat it.

Allen Wayne Dupree crashed a party thrown by a group of people who survived his murders and grabbed part of their cake. “'It [the cake] was just adorable,'” JoAnn recalls. 'It was black forest cake made in the shape of a, well, victim, with a chalk outline made from white frosting!'” JoAnn had begun to cut the first slice with a machete (Dupree's weapon of choice) as the killer leapt forward to ask for a slice of cake. '“He said, "Gimme the cake and nobody dies!"' But our bylaws are very clear. No refreshments unless you register for an event, and Allen hadn't registered.'”

"Gimme the cake and nobody dies!" ... I need to remember that quote for later use.

Signed,
Kinglier than thou

Nails in your frosting

This would make for a very pointy cake. If you put nails in your frosting. Although if you used those shiny brass nails it would look somehow glamorous, especially with pink frosting.

It would be much grosser if you put in fingernails instead.

Good think serial killers don't make cake very often.
Do they?

Signed,
The King
(in a thinking mood today)

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Fish Cake


Fish cake. Fishcakes. Two different things. It's important to figure out which one you're going for, unless you're trying to confuse or upset your guests into leaving early (which is more fun for some of us).

You could take a simplified black-and-white approach... the makers also mention that "Just for fun we added lettuce to our serving tray to give the fish natural surroundings!" Please note that rarely is fish actually found in the natural habitat of a salad bar unless something really freaky is going on.

This is a pretty crazy cake of a giant fish tank at the Cake Fairy's site. Imagine getting that lobbed at your head. Or getting your face mushed into it as an assassin tries to drown you, mistaking it for a real aquarium. James Bond wishes his job was that good.

A common mistake is to make the cake look TOO FISHY. Guests will poke and prod and sniff at their piece of cake when you make it look too real. They will get very suspicious and test its flesh for flakiness if you get too clever. "Getting too clever" in this case usually involves the use of that heinous cake decorating invention, lustre dust, which seems to be engineered to make items that may already be questionable in their edibility into items that look like costume jewelry or dustables.

Some examples of borderline realism:
Number one
Number two

On the other hand, go too far in the other direction, and you will become a laughingstock.
Did someone's Lucky Charms marshmallow stash explode, or is that a squashy hotair balloon?! Garrr, those jabby bits (the fish's natural defense mechanism?) on the tail would make a great way to keep guests away from your cake.

Next we turn to our favorites, the Wilton Cake website chat rooms.

Username "Gal" on the Wilton.com chat boards asked "Do anybody have idea how to make rainbow or fish cake ?" I had no idea that fish and rainbows were interchangeable. The next time I see a fish in the sky, I'll make a wish. If I see a rainbow, I'll go get my fishing rod.

Another Wilton.com chat member, KatiesKakes, posted some faboo pictures of one of the most hilariously wonderful fish cakes ever. Witness FISHLIPS!!! KrisCakes, not be be outdone, produced this glum-jawed amazing fishy wonder.

But then again, who knew that fishes like cake?!!

Go forth, my minions, and learn more about fish cake. It's for your own good.

Signed,
The King, a.k.a. Captain Fishypants

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Styrofoam Cake. You heard it here first.


Alright, we're in business. One of my little cake fairies figured out the title thingie.

On to the issue at hand: Styrofoam cakes.

What is this weirdness?

I was looking at some of the weirdie cake chat boards and found the following conversation, that I felt compelled to look at because of the subject STYROFOAM CAKES. Kind of like watching a car wreck from your kitchen window while licking your batter spatula.

Nadgabjoe: What is the best way to decorate a styrofoam?
CCChefDol: I would usually ice a styrofoam cake dummy with royal icing. Is it for display?
Nadgabjoe: It's for the ices convention in July
Nadgabjoe: This is my first time using a dummy


NOTE from King: Mine too. Do you think I should start by taking its shoes off? Or taping its mouth shut??? Oh gosh wait, you're talking about making a cake dummy. Mmm... cake dummy. Good double entendre. I'll have to work on that for a project.

CCChefPwd: Nadgabjoe you can also use spackling paste like you buy at the lumber yard.
Cake Wmn: Nad, you can also use ultralight patch and paint and will look like royal

NOTE from King: Some people make demonstration or model cakes using styrofoam. This is great if you are at a handyman's convention and want to demonstrate additional uses for spackle.

CCChefDol: Nad...use royal icing or fondant
Nadgabjoe: I'm not familiar with it
CCChefPwd: You can use almost anything on styrofoam.
Nadgabjoe: Can it be washed off after


NOTE from King: Gods, I hope so. I make an awful mess sometimes.

Nadgabjoe: Will buttercream last
CCChefPwd: I have two dummy cakes with buttercream icing - they just won't last as long
CCChefPwd: Royal will last longer - but it can also get damaged if someone gets rough with it.


NOTE from King: Now why would you think I would get rough? Who exactly have you been talking to???

Nadgabjoe: I'm carrying it on the plane from New York and switching to another plane.

NOTE from King: Imagine the fights you get into at an airport by carrying a fake cake around. In this case I would also carry a slingbag filled with cream pies, and use the pies to fend off wackos.

Cake Wmn: If you cover your dummy with stretch wrap before using the royal or whatever can just peel it off afterwards
CCChefDol: I shrink-wrap my dummy always

NOTE from King: I wonder how Slappy feels about this? Did you know all your brethren were being shrinkwrapped by Chef Dolores? I personally would find this very disturbing.

Ssbosco: I couldn't get the plastic wrap flat enough.


NOTE from King: Try using suction.

CCChefPwd: Fondant will last until you take a hammer to it and knock it off - after you get tired of looking at it.

NOTE from King: Please note that it is illegal to knock off a person after you get tired of looking at them. Dummies and/or cake are much easier to deal with, from a legal standpoint.

GOOO8: I was planning to cover my styrofoam in white contact paper. Still advisable?
CCChefDol: GOOO...no - cover with plastic wrap


NOTE from King: "GOOO..."?!! What the heck is going on over there? This is the problem with online chats. You never know what the person's up to in real life on the other end. On the other hand, sometimes this comes in handy.

Ssbosco: I'll try to pull it tighter.
CCChefPwd: You can cover the dummy with white contact paper and that makes it much easier to clean up


NOTE from the King: Thanks for that handy tip.

Nadgabjoe: So, Will it be easy to ice?

NOTE from the King: That is really brutal talk, coming from a cake decorator or baker. Perhaps instead we should call you a BUTCHER???

CCChefPwd: Dol - I really like the contact paper better than the plastic wrap. You can get it flatter
Nadgabjoe: Will the royal icing get too hard to decorate?


NOTE from King: I reserve the right to comment on this when it is not in a publically aired forum. "Too hard to decorate" indeed!

GOOO8: good thing we are chatting about this subject, I was about to do that this weekend.

NOTE from King: Well, I wasn't planning to, but there's no time like the present.



Monday, December 12, 2005


Where's my title block??!!!

This dratted thing doesn't want me to title my post. FINE. I will SUBTITLE it:

Dreadful Dungarees -- a study in atrocious cake designs

Yes, I have always wanted to eat someone's pants butt. Yes, I'm lying. What is this obsession with jeans cake? You people are a butt-munching bunch of freaks.

The literal Blue Jean Cake. A good tip given (if you're into these things) is to not mix the blue dye thoroughly into the frosting, which will give it that tie-dye look. A bad tip given is "Add decorations: pockets with ruffles, Smiley faces, Flowers." I refuse. If I was ever to make a Blue Jean Cake (which is probably the same day I will smile at my mirror and tell myself that today is going to be a beautiful day), I would decorate it with metal studs and torn knees. Maybe some bloodstains or pudding-on-the-knee. NOT ruffles, smiley faces, and flowers. GAH!!!

Some people get really picky and want specific jean brands, such as a Wrangler Jeans Cake.

This one is particularly weird, because it isn't shaped like jeans. No, in fact, it is a Denim Cake. Not jeans. But it has a pocket. What is in the pocket? Pointy toothpicks, perhaps, to jab at the gums of Denim Cake eating fools. This is from a blog about a "denim and purple theme" wedding, so what do I expect, right. *sigh*

I'm just waiting to find some yahoo who's cut up a bunch of denim and covered their cake with it. Mmmm.... tasty, and what a great way to get thread caught between your teeth.

Thankfully, I was unable to find many more images of jean cakes online. This saves me from having to ogle any more of these monstrosities.

Signing off,
The King

Friday, December 09, 2005

I declare war against the impudent impostor Faux King of Cake. That jerk. Well fine, two can play at that game.

If left out to airdry for long periods of time, frosting gets quite hard and if preformed (before drying) can make quite a stinging missile.

KAPOW!!!

Signed,
His Majesty.