The King of Cake in your face

Sweet Monkey Brains

2006-10-24T06:01:00.000-07:00

Well, a certain friend of my acquaintance decided that it would be "cute" to make her husband a delicious monkey cake for his birthday yesterday, using the controversy-garnering design I dug up the other week.

Of course, having watched too many horror films, she insisted it would be "funny" to use a strawberry cake mix so that when the cake was cut the attendees at the birthday feast would be eating pink monkey brains.

Sick, I tell you. SICK!!!

More pictures:
The sicko herself, with birthday-boy accomplice.
She titled this one "Eaten but not beaten." I told you she was sick! Please note the Werewolf Kit in the background. Weirdos on all sides!!!

Monkey Pudding

2006-10-16T12:30:00.000-07:00

Monkey made a disturbing mention of a substance heretofore unknown to Your Highness (that's me).

MONKEY PUDDING.

Strangely fascinating, this idea. Is it pudding made FOR monkeys? Pudding made OF monkeys? If it is pudding made of monkeys, what part of the monkey do they use? His/her creamy brains. I found myself needlessly befuddled, and decided to embark on a quest on the Worlb Wibe Web (see, my brain is confused so it is all B's) to illuminate this dark issue.

I did find this monkey, who does like pudding, according to the photo's subtitle, "PET MONKEY EATING PUDDING AT FIREBASE." Look at how pointy his ears are!!! That means he is full of mischief. I should know.

Then I found the website Recipe Circus!!! They have a recipe for Monkey Pudding. Boy, it sounds delicious.

MONKEY PUDDING

Ingredients

PUDDING:
6 slices whole wheat bread, torn into big cubes
1 (14-oz.) can sweetened condensed milk
1/4 cup flaked or shredded coconut
3 eggs
2 tbsp. margarine or butter, melted
3 ripe bananas, mashed
2 tbsp. vanilla extract
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp. salt
2 cups warm water
1/2 cup chopped pecans

BUTTER RUM SAUCE:
1/4 cup butter
1/2 cup cream
3/4 cups brown sugar, firmly packed
2 tbsp. rum or 1 tsp. rum flavoring

Recipe

PUDDING: Preheat oven to 350ºF.

Place bread cubes in a greased 9-in. baking pan.

In a large bowl, beat together eggs, banana and cinnamon. Add remaining ingredients, except chopped pecans and Butter Rum Sauce.

Pour mixture evenly over bread, moistening completely. Sprinkle pecans on top.

Bake 45 to 50 minutes or until knife comes out clean. Cool. Serve warm with Butter Rum Sauce.

BUTTER RUM SAUCE: In a sauce, melt butter; add brown sugar and cream. Boil rapidly 8 to 10 minutes; add rum or rum flavoring. Serve warm.

Makes about 1 cup

It could be a new office party fad -- Monkey Pudding Party! Heck, I would come.

I'm Bananas for Monkey!

2006-10-10T08:20:00.000-07:00

In honor of Monkey's return to the blogosphere, I wanted to find a nice monkey cake online to point out as a virtual cakefest in celebration of the auspicious occasion.

However, I got distracted by this monstrosity!

Please note, dear Monkey, that I would never stick candles in your head. Also, don't you think this monkey's head looks suspiciously like an over-large, two-handled coffee mug?

The directions also tell us to:
--"Spread a thick layer of chocolate buttercream over entire monkey head."
Would you be agreeable to this? I prefer a good creamcheese frosting myself, but in a pinch I am certainly not going to deny myself a good chocolate buttercream. Your person still has a washer and dryer, no?

--"Attach ears to sides of head, top of cupcake facing forward, securing with toothpicks."
This one I am not so sure about.

I was a little terrified when I watched the video and found that she also cuts the poor monkey's head in half to spread more chocolate buttercream inside its little brains. Eeek!

Here's to monkeys everywhere, and also monkey cake!!!

Monolith Mockery with Twinkies

2006-07-11T12:44:00.000-07:00

Apparently this is only one of many representations of Twinkiehenge. Good lord, people!!!

That's what I get for typing in "stupid cake" in Google's image search. I should know better by now.

Boobah Menace

2006-06-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

Right. I tell you, it appeared on my table. I approached it bleary-eyed, fresh from slumber on a trip to the kitchen to get some past-midnight milk and cookies. I flipped on the overhead light when my squinting in the dim light was to no avail. And then I SHRIEKED!!!

Terrifying, just terrifying. I had to call a friend over in the morning to rid my kitchen of this looming fortress of the colorful fiends. (luckily I have friends that will come and eat anything without asking any questions)

I hid in the basement to avoid hearing the tiny screams.

Somewhere out there, I have a very nasty enemy.

Woodland Poop

2006-05-31T08:48:00.000-07:00

Good heavens, has it been that long?! At any rate -- we interrupt this hiatus to bring you this important message:

If there's one thing I don't need, it's cute little woodland critters pooping on my perfectly good cake.

Have a great week, all you cakelovers out there!!! I mean it! You better, or I'll get after you with my spatula. Or maybe I'll recruit the furry little minons show here and send them to bite your ankles until you start doing a gleeful jig to show me you've seen the error of your ways. I have binoculars, you know.

Signed,
The Erstwhile King of Cake Cake CAKE!!!

Forget that, Cat!

2006-04-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

Now listen, if someone took the time to spread that much frosting on my face, I sure as heck wouldn't be hastening off to London, I'd be STICKING AROUND.

Um, perhaps quite literally.

Signed,
He Who Loves Frosting on His Face

ALL HAIL CAKE!!!

2006-04-19T05:56:00.000-07:00

This kid has the right idea.

So stay in school, kids, and EAT CAKE.

ALL HAIL CAKE!!!

For some prime cake-shoveling video, please visit Hailey's site.

Vacation avec Monkeys

2006-03-16T04:21:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that most of my random visitors are people brought in by searches regarding monkey cake.

I just thought I'd share that with you. It just seems so RIGHT!!!

Signed,
The King
who is not really here, but apparently can't keep his mouth shut even when he says he is going to

Vacation

2006-03-14T08:26:00.000-08:00

The King needs a vacation. After being felled by a mighty flu/cold combo, he is prancing off to greener pastures to recuperate. This will allow him to be even more mischievous and rotten when he gets back, so you'd all better get some rest too.

Sincerely,
King of it all
...now with tissues stuck in my frosting.

Doll In Poo Cake: UNACCEPTABLE!

2006-03-02T04:25:00.000-08:00

I mean, really, people. This is too much. I understand that brown = chocolate, but in certain contexts it just looks WRONG.

To quote:
Description : My boss, Rose, is a Barbie collector so this is her birthday cake.

Well, I'm wondering if you harbor dire thoughts about that boss of yours. Hmm? HMMM??

Caketease

2006-02-23T12:53:00.000-08:00

Well, what a.... what a cake tease. How could you DO this to people?! I wonder how many people were running down the streets in a mob after sighting this giant, luscious cake, only to find out that it was nothing but a pile of hot air?

Gah. It rends my heart. I must go stuff a giant slice of cake into my gob to stop all the sobbing.

Source

Scariest method of cake eating yet

2006-02-21T12:36:00.000-08:00

This is Scary Marie. I am so disturbed. Ooooh!!!

Monkey Horrors

2006-02-16T12:00:00.000-08:00

Don't look now, but someone has started beheading monkeys and making cakes out of them.

Of course the cakes are cute, but that's beside the point.

At this time, it seems convenient if tasteless to point out my own monkey cake design as found on my kingdom-come formative website, Cakechat.

To give you the proper context, please note that this helpful diagram was drawn in response to the following inquiry by Ms. Ellie Pantzaroff:

Dear King of Cakes,
My five year old son loves primates and wants a monkey cake for his birthday. I have only made ordinary pan cakes in the past, and have no experience at making anything more elaborate. How do I make a cute monkey shaped cake that will feed ten little boys?
Sincerely,
Ms. Pantzaroff

To which, of course, I responded:

Dear Ms. Pantzaroff:
How can you say that a monkey cake is more elaborate than an ordinary pan cake? There is nothing more simple.

Your horde of monkey-eating youngsters should be ashamed of themselves. You had better watch out and make sure they don't try to eat their little sisters if they are already evincing the desire to consume monkeys. It is well known that when denied monkeys to eat, ravenous youngsters will resort to eating smaller children due to their similarity to primate-shaped cakes.

I will not encourage you in your endeavors beyond saying that cupcakes make fine monkey ears, as illustrated in my hypothetical monkey cake design below.

Any weirdos who would like to read the rest of the discussion, including the proper use of monkey cake as a baiting technique when faced with youngsters who are out to eat smaller children, are welcome to view the morass of inanity here.

Wordcloud mit Ubermilf et Brooke

2006-02-15T11:18:00.000-08:00

Please note the prominence with which Ubermilf's name appears in my wordcloud. That is what the webbot did! Crazy. Even the webbots love Ubie. And then Brooke is right there exactly the same size! Ahh, the two ladies in my life.

Right up there with wilton wackos and pump smush.

And... autopsy?!! Hmm.

Yep.
I mystify even myself.

Valentine's Cake for Everyone!

2006-02-14T12:07:00.000-08:00

If I was a cake instead of the King of Cake, I imagine I would look somewhat like this artist's rendering, and I would prance around forcing Valentine sweetness and LOTS of FROSTING on anyone in my path.

Lime Wiggle Cake

2006-02-09T12:39:00.000-08:00

This whole NeoPet thing is out of control. Now they've gone and invented a Lime Wiggle Cake. I found it when I looked up "wiggle cake" on Google's image search.

It's at the Green Gallery, run by Kamehime, where it shares space with about another gazillion weird but intriguing green things. And lots of cute ones too.

Lime Wriggle Cake is described as "a rather bizarre dessert that wriggles as you eat it."

I am disturbed but entirely too intrigued.

To the Sound of Licking

2006-02-09T08:35:00.000-08:00

Mmm.... frosting.

Crown Prince Disappears!

2006-01-26T04:40:00.000-08:00

In other news, where has my upstart heir gone?!! Disappeared, wot?

Couldn't take the heat? Eloped with a villager? Having a roll in the easter basket grass with a hot courtesan?

I have seen nothing in the tabloids so I am at a loss.

Ubermilf, did you OFF him?!

He was good for entertainment value, if nothing else.

Kingly Cake

2006-01-26T04:33:00.000-08:00

I need one of these. What a brilliant idea!!!

I sometimes find myself yearning for subjects to lick my feet as they would a gooey beater after mixing.

But that may have to do with something I ate last night, and as such would be merely a hallucination.

Brooked Influence

2006-01-26T04:21:00.000-08:00

Brooke has been gallivanting about the web participating in various dubious enterprises. She is a bad influence, as is evidenced by my following her lead willy-nilly. See here:

Ten Top Trivia Tips about The King of Cake!

68 percent of all UFO sightings are by The King of Cake!
The first toy product ever advertised on television was Mr The King of Cake Head.
The King of Cake is the world's tallest woman.
The air around The King of Cake is superheated to about five times the temperature of the sun.
The King of Cakeocracy is government by The King of Cake.
Scientists have discovered that The King of Cake can smell the presence of autism in children.
The King of Cake can jump up to sixteen times his own height!
The liquid inside The King of Cake can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
The King of Cakeicide is the killing of The King of Cake.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas have 14, and The King of Cake has 7.

Now, 68 percent of all UFO sightings are by Brooke also. Does this mean we are really the same person?! I find this confusing and bewildering. Also, I am now in the market for a Mr The King of Cake Head.

Romping Blackout

2006-01-24T05:42:00.000-08:00

I seem to have suffered a blackout brought on by excessively jubilant romping. Whooof!

I came to with my head in a frosting bowl and doilies in my pants. Also, I had spatulas strapped to my feet.

It must have been fun.

What freaks me out is that my handtowel smells distinctly of bananas.

Romping of the Beloved Monarch

2006-01-17T10:53:00.000-08:00

Brooke made a request. It has been granted, with great aplomb I might add.

Terrifying Baking Machine!!!

2006-01-13T07:45:00.000-08:00

Monstrous. I am terrified.

What is this fiendish contraption, you ask? It is the Koenig Artisan SFR available through Rollequip. To quote the BakeryNet newsletter, "You can run round, square, rectangular and long-rolled artisan products at 65 percent to 75 percent hydration with multiple hours of fermentation on this compact, modular machine. Eliminate the use of oil by running with flour. Reduce your labor costs while increasing the variety you can offer customers."

ROBOTS!!! Ack. Please note the flashing red light mounted on top of the machine so you can be clearly warned to STAY AWAY FROM IT!!!

The Rollequip website even has a videoclip available. In it, you see footage that is suspiciously pornographic, of various machine parts pushing and poking at pale doughy bits. Then it magically turns a bunch of square-cut little buns into perfectly round ones. The whole affair is quite disturbing. You can also see reflections of men in white coats wandering around when they get to the bits of video where they're in front of one of the glass monitoring windows on the machine.

The photo of the machine on the webpate is even more disturbing and robot-like than the one from BakeryNet (when you get to the site, click on the "ARTISAN" tab on the menu).

Punched Out By A Muffin

2006-01-13T07:18:00.000-08:00

If this is the kind of thing you find entertaining, you can go online and play this video game. It's called Breakfast Brawl. There it is promised that you will be assaulted by various food items, including but not limited to a mutant cereal bowl, a sandwich and a cake.

Please note the muffin featured prominently in the graphic shown.

Is the muffin the rude cousin of the cupcake? Curious minds wonder.

Please note the pathetic defeat of the bowl of cereal. And the way the muffin looks very scared. Screen shots from when I was playing. Yes. Nothing like a brawl for breakfast!!!

A Warning Not To Bake Five Cakes

2006-01-12T10:02:00.000-08:00

This young man had his brain permanently warped by his mother baking him five cakes on one of his birthdays. Or so he claims.

I'm not sure whether I feel sympathy, pity, or the distinct need to whop him on the head with my frosting spatula.

Sugar Crash

2006-01-10T08:02:00.000-08:00

As a very good friend said, "Yes, the rush of the cake war....just like cake's sugary goodness, it just leaves you crashed out in a stupor wishing for more."

Meme, and How

2006-01-06T08:51:00.000-08:00

Brooke tagged all the orgyites.

In turn, it only seems fair to tag all those who engaged in The Great Cake War. However, it is entirely likely that most if not all of these fine folks were also orgyites. So sort it out for yourselves!!!

[A is for age:]
A is for ageless. I am the Eternal King of Cake, people!!!

[B is for booze of choice]
Hmm. Whatever goes well with cake. Possibly some sort of eggnog concoction. When I get tipsy my spatula has a field day.

[C is for career]
Duh, I'm the King. OF CAKE!!!! (please note CAKE begins with C. Thank you.)

[D is for your dog's name:]
Calzone. No, wait, he's Mr. Freeman's dog. Woof.

[E is for essential items you use everyday:]
Frosting. Spatula. Oven. Apron. Crown. Sceptre. Lots of SUGGGGGAR. (witness sugar twitch evident in typing)

[F is for favorite song(s) at the moment:]
They Might Be Giants -- How Much Cake Can You Eat.
e.g.: The shining spoons of this town/All point in your direction
Can you keep a secret?/ We can trust you, we can throw you
Are you sitting on your feet? /How much cake can you eat?
Makes perfect sense to me.

[G is for favorite games:]
Anything including a big spinning wheel of chance and straps. Possibly also throwing knives.

[H is for hometown:]
Portland, Maine. There is a lot of weird stuff here.

[I is for instruments you play:]
The beater. That's pretty much it.

[J is for jam or jelly you like:]
Mostly raspberry.

[K is for kids?]
*hurck!* (noise of heart attack)

[L is for last kiss?:]
I don't kiss and tell. But I usually reserve them for something sweet.

[M is for most admired trait:]
Frosting application skills. To pretty much anything.

[N is for name of your crush:]
Betty Crocker. What a hottie.

[O is for overnight hospital stays:]
What, number of? Reasons? You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

[P is for phobias:]
A world without frosting.

[Q is for quotes you like:]
A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
--Benjamin Franklin

[R is for biggest regret:]
Not enough frosting applied. Not enough cake baked.

[S is for sweets of your choice:]
Cake! (I second Brooke on this one!!!)

[T is for time you wake up:]
Too early. Every time.

[U is for underwear:]
Yes. I also wear an apron.

[V is for vegetables you love:]
Possibly in between helpings of cake. Variety is the spice, you know...

[W is for worst habit:]
Pretty much all of them.

[X is for x-rays you've had:]
For fun? or are you more interested in the unavoidable ones?

[Y is for yummy food you make:]
Lots of cake. LOTS.

[Z is for zodiac sign:]
Good golly. Aries. With horns.

King Love and Cupcakes

2006-01-06T07:00:00.000-08:00

I have never denied my love of cupcakes. Someone decided they knew how I felt about those moist little cakey niblets, though, and a war erupted.

As a token of esteem, from my mixing bowl to yours, comes this obvious evidence of kingly love of glistening, sugary, insane-looking cupcakes.

All this nonsense about "EQUAL TIME FOR CUPCAKES!!!" -- I should rightly demand of you, Queen of Cupcakes, the same for CAKE.

Sincerely,
The Regent of Frosting and Frippery

Songs of Cake

2006-01-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

To bolster the morale of my empire, I would like to present to you and yours these almost-thirty-in-number SONGS ABOUT CAKE.

"If I Knew You Were Coming I'd've Baked a Cake" (I prefer the version by Art Mooney and Betty Harris over the Eileen Barton version)

"Candy and Cake" by Arthur Godfrey and the Mariners (again, this version is my favorite over the Evelyn Knight version)

"Cakewalking Babies" by Bill Brunskill's Jazzmen

"Ice Cream and Cake" by the Buckwheat Boyz

"Cheesecake Truck" by King Missile

"Cheesecake" by Louis Armstrong (which rivals "Salt Peanuts")

"MacArthur Park" by Richard Harris

"Cups and Cakes" by Spinal Tap

"How Much Cake Can You Eat" by They Might Be Giants

"I Live in a Cake" by NOFX

"Cuppy Cake Song" by Strawberry Shortcake

"Birthday Cake" by Cibo Matto

"Sweet Cuppin' Cakes" by Strongbad and the folks at homestarrunner.com

"Crunchy Munchy Honeycakes" by The Wiggles

"Cuts with the Cake Knife" by Strawberry Switchblade

"Cakewalk" by Scott Joplin

"Cake Is Love" by Puffy Amiyumi

"I'm Going to Make a Cake" by Phillip Glass

"A-Soalin'" by Peter Paul and Mary

"Go Robot, It's Your Birthday" MC Chris

"Cindy's Birthday" by Johnny Crawford

"Fruit Cakes" by Jimmy Buffet

"Cheesecake" by the Devil Dogs

"Cupcakes" by Game Face

"Cheesecake" by the Camaros

"Strawberry Cake" by Johnny Cash

"Take a Look at Those Cakes!" by James Brown

If you need any of these lovely songs, I can oblige in most cases. Just drop me a line at bigcheeseATbackawayfromthecake.com (figure out my anti-spam email, very easy).

Always glad to spread the cake word.

Ubermilf, I would like to dedicate "If I Knew You Were Comin' I'd've Baked A Cake" to you especially, you and your heathen cupcakes.

Signed,
The King (what else?!)

Cupcake Land Mines

2006-01-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

Who knew?

"He holds up a plastic replica of a land mine, about the size and shape of a cupcake."

Using Cupcakes As A Weapon

2006-01-05T11:24:00.000-08:00

Ubermilf maintains that cupcakes are so nice and cute and yummy that no one will use them as a weapon, unlike cake (and also, let me point out to Nick, even more frequently PIE!!!).

I retorted (mmm... tarts) that cupcakes had, indeed, been used as weapons. Despite their delicious and impeccable nature.

Exhibit A:
Waldow as victim.

Apparently there is a show called "Northwest Morose -- American Peephole." In this particular episode, the cupcake weaponry focuses on a certain Waldow. To quote:
Waldow managed to get injured in lots of ways on this one. Most famous, of course, is the scene where Rosser Tin falls out of the sky and gets hit with a half-dozen red, white and blue cupcakes. Warren was the cupcake-tosser, and well, Waldow took one right in the balls... Ouch.

Exhibit B:
A variety of Cupcake Armageddons. With this exhibit, I think the defense can safely rest.

Cupcake Armageddon -- They Came From Above: Cupcakes rain fiery green death on innocent bystanders.
Cupcake Armageddon -- Nukiecakes: Cupcakes become embroiled in nuclear lauch.
Cupcake Armageddon -- Warriors variant: Cupcakes ready to rumble. They are PISSED. Someone is going to get a meat tenderizer in the face. Just like in The Annihilators. I can just tell.
Cupcake Armageddon -- What the Newspaper Never Mentions: One in the hand, one in the bush. Or something. The usual political crap. Right, only now it has CUPCAKES!!! So it is much better. More palatable, at least. Something you can swallow.
Cupcake Armageddon -- Painful Pelting Type: Watch out for falling ... AAGGHHH!!!

So there you have it. Ubermilf, you must admit there is quite a bit of fodder here for any cupcake assailants. And what is the National Cupcake Liberation Army using for weapons, hmm???

Proper Cake War?

2006-01-04T11:54:00.000-08:00

Please witness the deluded Master David "Hutch" Soul's attempts at cake war.

He is not very good at this.

Take heed, and learn from his bad example.

That, and the fact that the man wears turkeys on his feet for fun are good signs that you should stay well away from him, whether he is wielding a cake or not.

In Defense of Cake

2006-01-04T06:07:00.000-08:00

Well, Ubermilf has declared war. She's put up a bunch of posts on her site, including incriminating photographs, making insinuations that cupcakes kick the butt of cake. HA!!!

Here are some interesting takes on cake online:

My homies at Cake Lovers United. Cake love.

Another group, For the Love of Cake. Need I say more. Oh wait, there's a quote from Star, the Group Leader: "Cake is the best ever. If you love cake you should join. You can post recipies for cake, frosting, filing, whatever! WE ALL NEED CAKE!!" There.

On the ENEMIES side we have:

Cake Is Evil. These people are disorganized and unmotivated. They say "I blame the cake" and promptly give up. Is that any way to behave? Shameful.

Then there is the blatant heresy of I Am A Pie Person. To quote: "Lets face it folks, Cake sucks... unless its with Ice Cream, and who has an extra 3 bucks to pay for that? I don't. If you like Pie more than Cake, then this is the group you have been destined to be in." Cake sucks?!! What planet are they from?!!!! But at least they are a bit active in their pursuit of pieness.

And Ubermilf should join these guys posthaste:
The National Cupcake Liberation Army. They have a very rousing manifesto: "All too long Cupcakes have been oppressed. Made to live a life of perversion, subversion, and mirtersion. We, The National Cupcake Liberation Army, seek equality for the Cupcakes, and freedom for Cupcakes from the tyranny of the Unisted States of Frosting (USF). Our aims are thrice. Firstly, overthrow the inefficient and corrupt bureaucracy of the USF that uses Cupcakes as a cheap form of unskilled menial labor. Secondly, the right to equality and freedom for all Cupcakes, regardless of sprinkle color. Finally, to organize an independent Cupcake nation in southeastern Sakskatchewan, in an area known as Cupcaketopia. We are non-aggressive in our methods for achieving our goals. Rather, we use civil disobediance, picket lines, and lathered babboons as our chief method of achievement. Come my Brothers! Come my Sisters! Come my Cupcake allies! Together we shall find FREEDOM!"

Please note they are attempting to form Cupcaketopia in Saskatchewan. Well, I guess that will work out for refrigeration purposes, at the very least. However, their vim and vigor seems to be foundering. Someone needs to take over and lead these poor souls. I nominate Ubermilf. I think she should have no problem whipping and beating them into shape.

More as the war progresses.

Ubermilfclass Warfare

2006-01-03T12:17:00.000-08:00

A certain cupcake peddler has erupted in a fury with intent to batter yours truly. All I did was speculate that she might be a little weird and notice that she was antagonizing me. Phh!! And look at what she's done!

Actually I think the little red nose is rather cute.

Please note that she has titled the file "killkingofcake.jpg".

I revise my prior sentiments. No longer considered an attractive weirdo, she is now on the bandwagon with the vicious frosting-slingers I am oft forced to do battle with. But I still think she's cute.

I will withdraw now and try to figure out what the best baking goods are for ballistics.

Signed,
The King of Cake
and don't you forget it.

New Year's Cake Resolutions

2006-01-02T16:33:00.000-08:00

The King of Cake has posted a poll to record the New Year's Resolutions of his subjects. You should check it out. I think you will be pleased at the options available.

If you're not, feel free to beef about it.

Happy New Year dudes,
Signed,
The KING
(and don't you forget it. I certainly haven't.)

Not Cake, But Creepy

2005-12-27T12:29:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd share this. Just to freak you out.

Do you think he has any cake hidden under that beard??? Just wondering.

Christmas, Eaten.

2005-12-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

I ate it. Christmas, I mean. In the form of:

Cookies
Cake (of course)
Dainties
Whillywhiskers
Nobs
Any frosting left lying around
Various nibbly bits

It was quite delicious. I, however, now am forced to avert my eyes lest any cake appear, as I will be forced to expunge my innards if I catch another whiff of vanilla or buttercream.

An unfortunate side effect of the season, sure to be remedied by New Year's Eve when I start slugging that fizzy stuff down, and trade my crown for the most embarrassing party hat I can find.

Dire Christmas Cake

2005-12-22T08:42:00.000-08:00

Okay. The first thing wrong with these people is that they ask:

"Would you like to make a Christmas Cake that looks like the one shown?"

THEN they even tell you how to do it.

EEEEEYUCK!!!!

Barf on a log.

Staying away from those woods,
The King (now with Santa hat)

Beat Until Stiff

2005-12-20T04:37:00.000-08:00

I am profoundly intrigued by the title of this murder mystery book.

I found it when I looked up "pastry bag antics" on Google.

Cake to poke your eye out

2005-12-19T08:14:00.000-08:00

This one will do it.

(Source)

Break out the eye patches!!! I'm going in!!!!!

Elf cake

2005-12-19T08:09:00.000-08:00

But where to put the booties when you are done with the elf??

Serial Killers Want Cake

2005-12-19T07:47:00.000-08:00

Well, on doing a little research, I find that serial killers definitely like cake, whether or not this means they bake it often themselves or not, I am not sure, but they do like to eat it.

Allen Wayne Dupree crashed a party thrown by a group of people who survived his murders and grabbed part of their cake. “'It [the cake] was just adorable,'” JoAnn recalls. 'It was black forest cake made in the shape of a, well, victim, with a chalk outline made from white frosting!'” JoAnn had begun to cut the first slice with a machete (Dupree's weapon of choice) as the killer leapt forward to ask for a slice of cake. '“He said, "Gimme the cake and nobody dies!"' But our bylaws are very clear. No refreshments unless you register for an event, and Allen hadn't registered.'”

"Gimme the cake and nobody dies!" ... I need to remember that quote for later use.

Signed,
Kinglier than thou

Nails in your frosting

2005-12-19T07:44:00.000-08:00

This would make for a very pointy cake. If you put nails in your frosting. Although if you used those shiny brass nails it would look somehow glamorous, especially with pink frosting.

It would be much grosser if you put in fingernails instead.

Good think serial killers don't make cake very often.
Do they?

Signed,
The King
(in a thinking mood today)

Fish Cake

2005-12-15T06:23:00.000-08:00

Fish cake. Fishcakes. Two different things. It's important to figure out which one you're going for, unless you're trying to confuse or upset your guests into leaving early (which is more fun for some of us).

You could take a simplified black-and-white approach... the makers also mention that "Just for fun we added lettuce to our serving tray to give the fish natural surroundings!" Please note that rarely is fish actually found in the natural habitat of a salad bar unless something really freaky is going on.

This is a pretty crazy cake of a giant fish tank at the Cake Fairy's site. Imagine getting that lobbed at your head. Or getting your face mushed into it as an assassin tries to drown you, mistaking it for a real aquarium. James Bond wishes his job was that good.

A common mistake is to make the cake look TOO FISHY. Guests will poke and prod and sniff at their piece of cake when you make it look too real. They will get very suspicious and test its flesh for flakiness if you get too clever. "Getting too clever" in this case usually involves the use of that heinous cake decorating invention, lustre dust, which seems to be engineered to make items that may already be questionable in their edibility into items that look like costume jewelry or dustables.

Some examples of borderline realism:
Number one
Number two

On the other hand, go too far in the other direction, and you will become a laughingstock.
Did someone's Lucky Charms marshmallow stash explode, or is that a squashy hotair balloon?! Garrr, those jabby bits (the fish's natural defense mechanism?) on the tail would make a great way to keep guests away from your cake.

Next we turn to our favorites, the Wilton Cake website chat rooms.

Username "Gal" on the Wilton.com chat boards asked "Do anybody have idea how to make rainbow or fish cake ?" I had no idea that fish and rainbows were interchangeable. The next time I see a fish in the sky, I'll make a wish. If I see a rainbow, I'll go get my fishing rod.

Another Wilton.com chat member, KatiesKakes, posted some faboo pictures of one of the most hilariously wonderful fish cakes ever. Witness FISHLIPS!!! KrisCakes, not be be outdone, produced this glum-jawed amazing fishy wonder.

But then again, who knew that fishes like cake?!!

Go forth, my minions, and learn more about fish cake. It's for your own good.

Signed,
The King, a.k.a. Captain Fishypants

Styrofoam Cake. You heard it here first.

2005-12-13T08:10:00.000-08:00

Alright, we're in business. One of my little cake fairies figured out the title thingie.

On to the issue at hand: Styrofoam cakes.

What is this weirdness?

I was looking at some of the weirdie cake chat boards and found the following conversation, that I felt compelled to look at because of the subject STYROFOAM CAKES. Kind of like watching a car wreck from your kitchen window while licking your batter spatula.

Nadgabjoe: What is the best way to decorate a styrofoam?
CCChefDol: I would usually ice a styrofoam cake dummy with royal icing. Is it for display?
Nadgabjoe: It's for the ices convention in July
Nadgabjoe: This is my first time using a dummy

NOTE from King: Mine too. Do you think I should start by taking its shoes off? Or taping its mouth shut??? Oh gosh wait, you're talking about making a cake dummy. Mmm... cake dummy. Good double entendre. I'll have to work on that for a project.

CCChefPwd: Nadgabjoe you can also use spackling paste like you buy at the lumber yard.
Cake Wmn: Nad, you can also use ultralight patch and paint and will look like royal

NOTE from King: Some people make demonstration or model cakes using styrofoam. This is great if you are at a handyman's convention and want to demonstrate additional uses for spackle.

CCChefDol: Nad...use royal icing or fondant
Nadgabjoe: I'm not familiar with it
CCChefPwd: You can use almost anything on styrofoam.
Nadgabjoe: Can it be washed off after

NOTE from King: Gods, I hope so. I make an awful mess sometimes.

Nadgabjoe: Will buttercream last
CCChefPwd: I have two dummy cakes with buttercream icing - they just won't last as long
CCChefPwd: Royal will last longer - but it can also get damaged if someone gets rough with it.

NOTE from King: Now why would you think I would get rough? Who exactly have you been talking to???

Nadgabjoe: I'm carrying it on the plane from New York and switching to another plane.

NOTE from King: Imagine the fights you get into at an airport by carrying a fake cake around. In this case I would also carry a slingbag filled with cream pies, and use the pies to fend off wackos.

Cake Wmn: If you cover your dummy with stretch wrap before using the royal or whatever can just peel it off afterwards
CCChefDol: I shrink-wrap my dummy always

NOTE from King: I wonder how Slappy feels about this? Did you know all your brethren were being shrinkwrapped by Chef Dolores? I personally would find this very disturbing.

Ssbosco: I couldn't get the plastic wrap flat enough.

NOTE from King: Try using suction.

CCChefPwd: Fondant will last until you take a hammer to it and knock it off - after you get tired of looking at it.

NOTE from King: Please note that it is illegal to knock off a person after you get tired of looking at them. Dummies and/or cake are much easier to deal with, from a legal standpoint.

GOOO8: I was planning to cover my styrofoam in white contact paper. Still advisable?
CCChefDol: GOOO...no - cover with plastic wrap

NOTE from King: "GOOO..."?!! What the heck is going on over there? This is the problem with online chats. You never know what the person's up to in real life on the other end. On the other hand, sometimes this comes in handy.

Ssbosco: I'll try to pull it tighter.
CCChefPwd: You can cover the dummy with white contact paper and that makes it much easier to clean up

NOTE from the King: Thanks for that handy tip.

Nadgabjoe: So, Will it be easy to ice?

NOTE from the King: That is really brutal talk, coming from a cake decorator or baker. Perhaps instead we should call you a BUTCHER???

CCChefPwd: Dol - I really like the contact paper better than the plastic wrap. You can get it flatter
Nadgabjoe: Will the royal icing get too hard to decorate?

NOTE from King: I reserve the right to comment on this when it is not in a publically aired forum. "Too hard to decorate" indeed!

GOOO8: good thing we are chatting about this subject, I was about to do that this weekend.

NOTE from King: Well, I wasn't planning to, but there's no time like the present.

2005-12-12T10:56:00.000-08:00

Where's my title block??!!!

This dratted thing doesn't want me to title my post. FINE. I will SUBTITLE it:

Dreadful Dungarees -- a study in atrocious cake designs

Yes, I have always wanted to eat someone's pants butt. Yes, I'm lying. What is this obsession with jeans cake? You people are a butt-munching bunch of freaks.

The literal Blue Jean Cake. A good tip given (if you're into these things) is to not mix the blue dye thoroughly into the frosting, which will give it that tie-dye look. A bad tip given is "Add decorations: pockets with ruffles, Smiley faces, Flowers." I refuse. If I was ever to make a Blue Jean Cake (which is probably the same day I will smile at my mirror and tell myself that today is going to be a beautiful day), I would decorate it with metal studs and torn knees. Maybe some bloodstains or pudding-on-the-knee. NOT ruffles, smiley faces, and flowers. GAH!!!

Some people get really picky and want specific jean brands, such as a Wrangler Jeans Cake.

This one is particularly weird, because it isn't shaped like jeans. No, in fact, it is a Denim Cake. Not jeans. But it has a pocket. What is in the pocket? Pointy toothpicks, perhaps, to jab at the gums of Denim Cake eating fools. This is from a blog about a "denim and purple theme" wedding, so what do I expect, right. *sigh*

I'm just waiting to find some yahoo who's cut up a bunch of denim and covered their cake with it. Mmmm.... tasty, and what a great way to get thread caught between your teeth.

Thankfully, I was unable to find many more images of jean cakes online. This saves me from having to ogle any more of these monstrosities.

Signing off,
The King

2005-12-09T07:41:00.000-08:00

I declare war against the impudent impostor Faux King of Cake. That jerk. Well fine, two can play at that game.

If left out to airdry for long periods of time, frosting gets quite hard and if preformed (before drying) can make quite a stinging missile.

KAPOW!!!

Signed,
His Majesty.